14 Jan Hockey Coach Depot

Hockey Coach Depot: The Parable of The Hockey Parent

By: Jim Vitale

A store that sells “Quality Hockey Coaches” just opened up in the local area where parents of budding superstars can go to select the perfect coach for their up-and-coming franchise player from a great assortment of quality hockey coaches.

A parent of a young hockey player notices it while driving by, so they decide to stop in. At the door the parent notices the sign for “Store Hours” says “As long as you are awake!” and enters the store. In the immediate entrance is a floor plan and set of rules warning against visiting the store too often, or during hours that should be dedicated toward everyday activities such as work and family time. There is also a “Choose Responsibly” sign with a 1-800 number for coach selection obsession and abuse. The parent notices that there is a main elevator that allows customers to visit each of it’s 5 floors, which increase with more superior coaching attributes on each floor. The only catch is that once a customer decides to advance to the next floor, they must exit that floor and cannot return back to the floor below. I strictly says that any attempt will result in “severe consequences”. Having no problem with any of the restrictions, and needing to find a hockey coach for next season, the parent enters the elevator.

As the door opens and lets the parent off on the 1st floor, a sign reads: Welcome to the first floor! Here you will find a large assortment of coaches that enjoy coaching kids and are not afraid of using discipline when necessary.. The parent thinks, “This is the same as my son’s hockey coach last year; it must be coaches from the second floor that I’m interested in!”, so back in the elevator they go.

Upon reaching the second floor there is a sign that reads: Welcome to the second floor! Here you will find a large assortment of coaches that enjoy coaching kids and are not afraid of using discipline when necessary and have a detailed game plan for the season. The parent smiles and says “This is definitely better than last year’s coach, at least he comes with a game plan!”, but the glamour of further options leads the parent on to the third floor.

The third floor sign reads: Welcome to the third floor! Here you will find a large assortment of coaches that enjoy coaching kids and are not afraid of using discipline when necessary and have a detailed game plan for the season and possesses a tremendous amount of hockey knowledge and experience. This floor is attractive to the parent so he decides to browse the racks of available coaches. Upon browsing he sees a pair of feet and legs struggling from a nearby window. Peaking his head out the window he sees a hockey dad dangling from the window above. The dad in panic says ” I didn’t mean to do it, I just tried to hop up and sneak a peek at the next floor, without leaving this one. The window is too high to peek in on the next floor and my feet can’t reach the this one to come back in! I’m stuck in limbo between both floors, will you help?”. Remembering the severe consequences, the parent leaves the dad dangling and decides to head up the elevator quick to the fourth floor.

The elevator pops open and the fourth floor sign reads: Welcome to the fourth floor! Here you will find a large assortment of coaches that enjoy coaching kids and are not afraid of using discipline when necessary, have a detailed game plan for the season, possesses a tremendous amount of hockey knowledge and experience and run an excellent practice. Now the parent, totally lost in excitement and feverish with greed says “That’s unreal, these coaches sound like they would do a heck of a job developing any player…but what’s in it for my son? The coaches on the fifth floor must be out of this world”.

The parent races up to the final floor in excitement for elevator door to open. When it does, the parent is shocked to find the floor totally bare wall to wall and completely crumbling to pieces. There is a broken sign that reads “You are visitor number 4,347,613,012 to this floor. We are sorry to inform you that this floor was a figment of your imagination and cannot possibly exist given the fact that you have proven impossible to please based on the rate at which you ascended the other 4 floors. Please exit the store promptly and pick up a ready made apology letter to your current coach on the way out. Thank you for shopping at the Coach Depot, where overinflated expectations are sure to get in the way of any rational decisions. Have a great day!